An ounce at a time... how I came to let go of my anger and embrace my pump.

My pumping journey began because Liam was born with a cleft lip and palate and couldn’t nurse effectively. We tried at the hospital, the LC lived in our room for 3 days. He wasn't transferring well at all. He lost a full pound in 3 days. I had already started pumping so they could show us how to use the Haberman bottle. I pumped and pumped the entire time we were there. I pumped while I sat next to his isolette in the NICU. I pumped when I went home to shower and change. Every time I turned the pump on it broke my heart. It hurt to the very core of my soul just as much as it hurt physically. I had breastfed each of my babies for 2+ years and this was my LAST baby and I felt like something had been stolen from me. I was devastated by the loss of that bond and the experience I had anticipated for 9 months. I felt cheated. I was angry.

I kept pumping. We brought Liam home from the NICU after 5 days and settled in at home. I spent an entire weekend trying, unsuccessfully, to get him to latch. I kept pumping. I pumped while we watched TV, I pumped while Liam slept, while Bill slept, while I felt *I* should have been sleeping. I pumped while Bill fed him. I pumped while I fed him. I felt like I was pumping ALL the time. I started having terrible dreams, I started getting angry and snapping over insignificant things. I cried in the shower. I kept pumping.

If it weren't for Bill reminding me that no matter how he got it, he was still getting my breastmilk, I don't know how I would have let go of that anger. My anger morphed into a strong determination... yes this SUCKED. This wasn't at all what I had signed up for, but it wasn't ABOUT me. It was about Liam... and he hadn't signed up for any of this either. I was going to do what I could for him, to give him the best possible start. It was the only thing I felt like I could control. It took some soul-searching and perspective altering but I turned my anger around. I kept pumping.

3 months went by and I was pumping in the car, at parties, in bathrooms. I was proud of every ounce. Bill became my own personal cheering section and he still never fails to recognize a really productive pumping session. I still had twinges of frustration, bouts of panic when I wasn't producing enough and my husband was feeding him and ounce at a time as fast as I was pumping them. I still cried in the shower from time to time... but as each day passed I tried to put yesterday behind me. I had to adopt a day-by-day mentality, similar to the last days of pregnancy or the one contraction at a time mindset that gets me through the toughest stage of labor. After 3 months I knew I had made it through the hardest part. No matter what, I knew all along I was going to get to a year at the very least... I just didn't know how! But alas... I kept pumping.

Now we are at 5.25 months. I am (magically!) down to 4 pumps a day. Liam is sleeping through the night. I am sleeping through the night. I am one with my pump. We are a team, providing Liam with my breastmilk. I didn't expect to have a teammate, albeit a mechanical one, but this is the path we are on. I can look back and through the haze of my anger and frustration and shower-tears I see the positive aspects of this unexpected journey. Bill gets to enjoy the bond of feeding his son, Liam gets to enjoy that bond as well. I am sleeping much more than I ever did when I was nursing my other 4 (probably combined!). I feel SUCH a huge sense of accomplishment. Yes, I could have thrown in the towel. I could have decided that it was just too much, I could have come up with 2 dozen valid "excuses". But my parents gave me many wonderful gifts and the one that I called to action in this circumstance has gotten me through quite a few hairy ordeals. Stubbornness. I put it in my mind that I wasn't going to quit. Yes, I still have days that I hate pumping. Yes, I'm still gut-wrenchingly sad that I didn't get to nurse Liam and I'll never have that experience again. But until that single candle is blown out on his cake in February, I'm going to keep right on pumping...